


Life and Breath

by tsutsuji



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Breathplay, Hand Fetish, M/M, the not-so-popular pairing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 12:52:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7977403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsutsuji/pseuds/tsutsuji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reactions set in and unexpected feelings surface after the battle with Chin Yisou. (Spoilers for episode 12 of the first series.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was so new to the fandom when I wrote this that I probably had no business writing fic for it. And I don't even remember much about the episode this is based on. And I never finished watching the series. Be that as it may, this seemed to make sense at the time.

Hakkai lifted his eyes from the thick, black "life line" Goku had drawn on his palm, to look out at a view of the world framed between his fingers: rocky hills and endless sky, the last, lone tree of the forest they'd left behind, and Genjyo Sanzo. The priest stood under the tree with his paper fan raised in his hand, still glaring and twitching with impatience even after Goku had slipped out of reach for the moment.

When both Goku and Gojyo had become so interested in Hakkai's hands a minute ago, Sanzo had said nothing and, as far as Hakkai could tell, had not even looked in his direction. He didn't look this way now, either, so Hakkai began to wonder if he'd only imagined that Sanzo was watching his hands on the wheel earlier, during the drive out of the forest to this rest stop higher in the mountains. Or, if he had been watching them, maybe it was only to make sure they were steady enough to drive the Jeep after all that had happened. One thing he knew for certain: as they drove away from the forest, after the rage and grief of fighting Chin Yisou faded and the present reasserted itself over the past, he had become more intensely aware than ever of Sanzo sitting there next to him.

Chin Yisou certainly did not appear to have done his homework, Hakkai reflected; he could not have known as much of Hakkai and his present life as he thought he did. Anyone observant would surely have assumed he was closest to Gojyo, and used him as the greatest, final threat to Hakkai's sanity rather than as the warm up act. Probably, Hakkai reasoned, the demon had observed only enough to see that Sanzo appeared the be the leader of the group and therefore assumed he was the most important one to all of them. Which was true, of course, as far as it went. Without Sanzo, the rest of them would be wandering without direction on this journey, if they were on it at all. However, that would be true of all of them, and not an indication that Sanzo meant anything special to him personally.

So, either the demon had some insight or instinct, or his choice of Sanzo as the final nail in Hakkai's coffin was simply ironic, because the ultimate result was to force to the surface feelings which Hakkai had managed to ignore with reasonable success - until now. They had been there all along, he knew, since the moment his old life had died and his new one began. It was only now, seeing Sanzo standing there, small and bright against the backdrop of sky and mountains, that he felt drawn to the priest as if he was the magnetic center of the universe.

Hakkai tore his gaze away with the briefest sigh, as Sanzo returned to scolding Goku while he and Gojyo sat on the jeep and watched them in the late day light. There were good reasons to ignore those feelings, after all, because what else could be done with them? What else could he do with the storm of emotions that had been released by having a piece of the past torn out of his heart - which was not, after all, quite as small and cold as he'd claimed it to be? Even if he'd decided once again to go on living after all, in spite of the past, what could he do with this physical attraction that was suddenly so strong he could feel the pull of it even from this distance? He could only set those feelings aside again, somehow - or else riding alongside Sanzo in the Jeep from now on was going to be a problem, at the very least.

Gojyo nudged Hakkai's shoulder, startling him out of his reverie. Hakkai waited for him to say something, but Gojyo just grinned at him until got the feeling he'd missed a joke that might have been on himself. Then Gojyo glanced over at Sanzo, with something surprisingly like his familiar, predatory leer.

"Whether your life is long or short, you shouldn't put off doing things you want to do - y'know?" He prodded Hakkai with an elbow to the ribs.

"Eh?" Hakkai jerked away, alarmed that Gojyo had picked up on what he'd been thinking. He realized that leer was not aimed at Sanzo but was meant, in a way, for him.

Before he could figure out how to protest in some fashion that didn't just confirm his friend's suspicion, Gojyo slipped off the jeep. Hakkai watched with his mouth still hanging open as he sauntered over to the others and caught Goku's attention with one of his usual insults. Naturally, that dragged Goku into another one of their endless squabbles - and away from Sanzo.

It was such an everyday occurrance that the fact that this left Hakkai and Sanzo alone near the tree looked like a coincidence. However, knowing that it wasn't did not help Hakkai decide what to do about it.  
\---

Sanzo scowled after the squabbling idiots, but he couldn't find any excuse to go after them. Goku was perfectly happy to trade Sanzo's fan for Gojyo's insults, and hobbled off on his cast to continue the shouting match a safe distance away. Scolding Goku in order to distract him from the pain and indignity of having a cast put on his broken leg had distracted Sanzo as well, so that he had finally succeeded in ignoring Hakkai for awhile, and in not watching Hakkai's hands... or nearly succeeded, until Goku so helpfully drew everyone's attention to them again.

In fact, Sanzo found he couldn't forget the touch of those hands, even though it was the feel of them around his throat that he remembered - the feel of them squeezing tightly enough that he actually did black out, trusting Hakkai to know just how much was enough and not too much to convince Hakkai's enemy that he was seriously trying to kill Sanzo.

The last thing he'd seen before his vision went dark was the intense gleam of Hakkai's eyes, deeper green than the trees above them, and filled both with regret and gratitude in that moment. The last thing he felt must have been only the panic-stricken rush of his body's primal demand for breath, but it felt surprisingly like lust.

It had taken all of his trust and spiritual training not to give in to the instinctive urge to fight Hakkai off and defend his threatened life. It had taken even more willpower than that not to groan out loud and thrust his hips up into Hakkai's heat and weight, even as his vision went red and then dark.

For a few seconds he was gone, only a heartbeat or two before his senses returned - hearing first, just in time to hear Hakkai's cry of anguish, so horrible a sound that Sanzo almost wondered if he was actually dead after all. But no, certainly not; he was alive enough to feel Hakkai's weight, alive enough to have to force himself not to wince, not to curl his fingers into the dirt, when Hakkai shifted on top of him. Alive enough to be so hard it hurt and made sparks dance behind his eyelids again, when Hakkai moved. Alive enough to miss even the life-threatening pressure of Hakkai's hands on his throat when he pulled away.

He wasn't sure if Hakkai noticed it. He hoped he didn't, and yet half-hoped he did.

The demon was just a dangerous idiot, too stupid to notice that Sanzo wasn't dead. Of course, the other two didn't quite believe that Hakkai had killed him, in spite of the heart-stopping cry that had drawn them to the clearing (and Hakkai didn't seem to realize how much that meant they trusted him as well, because if Goku had mistaken the scene for reality, one single undead centipede demon would have been the least of his worries).

Hakkai's scream and the voices of the others shocked some of the heat out of Sanzo and helped clear his mind, enough so that when the moment came to pull his gun on the bastard, he was more than ready. In fact, with the flash-fire of lust turned to frustration, shock and shame, he was more than ready to tear someone limb from limb, and shoot the pieces full of holes afterward.

But that was Hakkai's privilege in this case, so he took the time to catch his breath and will the arousal out of his body instead, while Hakkai finished what he'd started three years ago. He watched with less detachment than he liked to admit when Hakkai reached inside the demon's body and, literally, crushed the "life" out of him with his bare hands.

Hakkai's hands....

He could tell himself that it was only his body's confused response to the rush of blood away from his brain, the adrenaline, the weight of Hakkai's body on top of his and the force of Hakkai's spirit, and that it had only felt like the heat of sexual arousal. While Hakkai drove them out of the forest that still seemed haunted by the undead past, he told himself this a hundred times, but it was like chanting a mantra that had no power. It did nothing to release his memory from the grip of Hakkai's hands. Now, hours later, after wounds had been dressed and a meal gobbled down and yet another mindless argument started between the kappa and the monkey, Sanzo had still not managed to empty his mind of that moment.

After Gojyo and Goku wandered away in a storm of insults, a placid smile remained on Hakkai's handsome face - but that might have meant anything. It could mean that he'd noticed Sanzo stealing glances at his hands, but he doubted even Hakkai would react so calmly if he'd noticed Sanzo's reaction earlier. Most likely that look had more to do with whatever Gojyo said in his ear, just before he casually stole Sanzo's convenient distraction away.

After they were out of sight and nearly out of earshot, Sanzo was left with nothing to do but stand there beside the lone tree, looking at nothing, thinking of nothing - or as nearly so as he could manage, until Hakkai came over and stood beside him. Normally, silence was easy between them, a most welcome relief from the noise the other two made almost constantly. There was something else in this silence, Sanzo could tell, but it might be nothing more than another pointless apology, more repentance and regret from the man who had bathed in demon blood to become a demon.

"Sanzo..."

"Don't say anything stupid," he said reflexively, somewhere between a snap and a sigh.

Hakkai laughed softly, as usual. "I don't mean to," he said.

Of course, that didn't mean he knew enough to not say anything at all. Sanzo willed his eyes not to slip to the side, not to seek another glimpse of Hakkai's hands, and of course there was no use trying to see through the smile he knew he'd see on Hakkai's face.

"I only wanted to say that... " Hakkai hesitated, in his usual polite manner, but Sanzo's skin prickled; there was something more than politeness in the too-light lilt of his voice. "I wanted to say, that was not the way I would have preferred to get my hands on you... Sanzo."

For a single heartbeat, hardly a second, Sanzo froze in a rush of panic as deep as the fight for breath and life. Then he snapped his head around, eyes blazing, mouth open to berate Hakkai for sounding like an idiot, for talking like Gojyo or that mindless monkey would talk, making no sense...

It was too late. That second of hesitation betrayed him. He still didn't know if Hakkai had felt or seen his aroused condition earlier, but he knew from the too-placid smile that he'd been caught - somehow.

"Hakkai..." he growled in warning, because he couldn't snap and call Hakkai names, or slap him silly like he could the other two, or pull his gun like he would on any other man who reached for him like Hakkai did now. He couldn't back away, either, and not only because there was a tree behind him and nowhere else to go. All he could do was watch Hakkai's hand come toward him, like some hand of Fate that he would have slapped aside even more casually. He tried not to flinch or shiver when those long, delicate, deceptively strong fingers touched his throat again.

The touch was gentle this time, though, and Hakkai tipped his head and smiled a little more, like a wordless apology for something he had no reason to apologize for. Stop regretting everything, idiot, Sanzo thought and wanted to snap at him, just like he wanted to slap Hakkai's hand away, but he didn't do either of those things. He didn't swallow or speak, and he could hardly even breathe past the rush of warmth all through his body, all from the light touch of fingertips that slipped along the side of his neck, brushing strands of hair aside, thumb lightly pressed over his jumping pulse.

The heat that flowed from the touch had nothing to do with Hakkai's formidable qi energy. This time, Sanzo didn't have the excuse to tell himself that it was just a surge of blood and adrenaline clouding his brain and setting sparks off on his skin. He only hoped he wasn't blushing like a girl; his face felt warm, but he was certain most of his blood was rushing to another region anyway.

"What the hell are you doing, Hakkai?" he growled, because he had to say something, and I'll kill you for this wasn't really an option after all.

"Living," Hakkai answered, his voice smiling, but Sanzo felt the breath more than he heard the word, just before Hakkai's lips touched his.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sanzo and Hakkai test the limits of trust and detachment. A somewhat darker take on how things might develop after Life and Breath part one.

How many times now, Sanzo wonders, has he found himself like this: flat on his back, with Hakkai's hands at his throat? After all, there's trust, and then there's stupidity. This ... had to be somewhere in between... or maybe it was something else entirely.

...

Sanzo stares up at Hakkai's shadowed face above him, green eyes so sharp and so close he can see their color in the near-darkness of the room. The ends of Hakkai's hair brush his cheeks as those green eyes fall closed, and then Sanzo's breath catches when Hakkai's mouth meets his. Demanding and unhesitant this time, although it was not so at first, when Hakkai was direct yet still cautious. Now, Hakkai's kiss is deep and hard, and the force of it spreads heat through Sanzo's body. The pressure of Hakkai's hands on his throat and the weight on his thighs makes his blood rush away from his brain, and that along with the breath-stealing kiss makes his head swim.

He feels Hakkai's smile against his lips. Now, of course, Hakkai knows exactly what this does to Sanzo's body, and squeezes his thighs tightly to prove it. Sanzo winces and grunts, and his fingers twitch a little but remain still, resting on the mattress beside his head, even though Hakkai already let go of his wrists after placing them there. Even when his heart pounds and his lungs scream for breath, and a bright thread of panic shoots up his spine, Sanzo does not lift his hands. A second later, Hakkai moves on top of him, nudging Sanzo's aching erection with his own. Sanzo's vision goes white for a second, and pride slinks away as a whimper escapes his throat, but his hands remain still.

Hakkai pulls back from the kiss and lightens his grip. Sanzo gasps air back into his lungs, then the breath becomes a groan as the rush of blood and air suddenly floods his body and shoots right to his groin. Hakkai dives down onto him, bare chest to his, hips thrusting, hands clenched in his hair, with a desperate, startled-sounding gasp of his own.

Sanzo still doesn't let his hands move, though the urge to grab onto Hakkai and crush him even more tightly to his chest is blindingly intense, as strong now as the instinct to push him away was before when panic gripped him. His arms don't move, but his legs do, as if of their own accord, lifting and slipping apart a little, which nudges Hakkai up higher on his body.

Hakkai hums against his cheek, a sound of surprised approval. Sanzo grunts impatiently.

"Go on," he rasps through clenched teeth.

"Certainly," Hakkai says, his voice calm and almost normal, but Sanzo can feel the tension in his touch now.

Sanzo tries to collect his thoughts into some form of distraction so that he doesn't forget himself and thrust his hips up desperately, while Hakkai sits back and lifts himself up into position, and then reaches back to guide himself onto Sanzo's cock. Sanzo clenches his teeth so hard he thinks they'll crack, in order to keep any sound from escaping his throat, and to keep his hands from moving. He watches Hakkai's eyes, and Hakkai stares back at him, holding his gaze with the force of a spell, until the head of Sanzo's cock slips suddenly past the first hard core of resistance. He sees Hakkai's eyes roll up and close, just before his own lids wince shut on the rush of sensation as Hakkai slowly lowers himself onto him.

Then, Hakkai curls forward over him, letting a sigh escape to brush Sanzo's face. Sanzo opens his eyes to watch Hakkai's hands as he strokes himself briefly, fingers playing with the beads of moisture at the tip of his cock. Seeing that he's watching, Hakkai smiles, then lifts glistening wet fingers to Sanzo's clamped lips.

The scent of Hakkai's arousal catches Sanzo's breath, but he keeps his lips sealed when he sees Hakkai's lips twitch with amusement. Hakkai slides his other hand behind Sanzo's neck and clenches it, catching Sanzo's hair in his fist and forcing his chin up at the same time. Sanzo narrows his eyes even as Hakkai's finger slips past his lips. At the same moment his taste hits Sanzo's tongue, Hakkai flexes his hips, draws Sanzo in more deeply and sighs with pleasure.

Sanzo clenches his fists then, but presses his hands back against the bed. A growl of frustration gets past him. He glares up at Hakkai's calm, blissful face.

"Move, damn it," he snarls.

Hakkai complies, if only because he knows that doing so at this point is just as much a test of Sanzo's will as teasing him with stillness would have been. He falls forward onto Sanzo, replacing his fingers with his mouth on Sanzo's lips. He quickly reaches back to coax Sanzo to raise his knees more in order to fix the angle between them, then returns his hand to Sanzo's chin while his other hand comes from behind his head to spread around his throat again.

Sanzo feels his own pulse jump under the pressure of Hakkai's fingers. His breath grows ragged as he twists his head against the mattress to deepen the kiss, mixing Hakkai's scent and tastes on his tongue and feeling the vibration of Hakkai's occasional moan.

The strength of will it took to fight his own animal instinct to live and let Hakkai squeeze the life out of him in the battle with Chin Yisou, even if only for appearance's sake, was nothing compared to the battle inside himself now against the threat of letting go and losing control. It's no great comfort to trust that Hakkai knows just how much is enough and not too much, how long to hold on, how fast to move, and how much stimulation he can stand before he reaches the edge. It's no good at all to know that Hakkai always finds a way to break through his control. It only means that Hakkai knows him better than he knows himself.

He finds this out again every time, when the rush of blood and the lack of oxygen in his brain, the flood of lust, take over. Sanzo's vision goes white and then black, and he hears himself roaring into Hakkai's mouth, or against his cheek or his shoulder. Every time he finds, when his mind clears, that at the end, before he could stop himself, he's wrapped his arms around Hakkai, twisted his fingers in Hakkai's hair, and dug his nails into Hakkai's shoulder.

It's certainly no triumph of will to lie there still and quiet in the next few moments, feeling damp and limp-boned after his orgasm, while he feels Hakkai's gasping, desperate loss of control. Sanzo listens to Hakkai's soft voice moaning helplessly as he comes with far less detachment than he cares to admit. Something that feels like triumph seeps through him, but since he was the one who lost control first, he supposes it's really just the satisfaction of knowing he made his lover feel so good.

He trusted Hakkai to know exactly how long to hold on, and when to let go and let breath and blood flow come rushing back. With the same precision, Hakkai seems to know exactly how long it's safe to lie next to Sanzo afterward, before the limb-melting flush of pleasure passes. He always pulls away just before Sanzo is completely awake to the fact of being so gently and lovingly caressed... before he has a chance to think about it and roll over to put his back to it, or refuse it - violently - and before he's forced to decide to let Hakkai's hands remain touching him for longer than lust alone would explain.

It's no triumph of will that he does not reach over and pull Hakkai back.


End file.
